Hello and welcome to Game Week Thirty-Two. We’re round the final bend and staring at the finishing line. Unfortunately, it’s staring right back at us with a glint in its eye that suggests it’s got a knife behind its back and can’t wait for us to reach it. So let’s duck and weave our way to inevitable doom, with this week’s advice.
Crystal Palace vs Manchester City
PAUL: So far so terrible for Oliver Glasner. Luckily for Palace, Olise and Eze are still brilliant, but until they can both stay on the pitch for more than twenty minutes together, it’s looking like it may be next season before there’s any reason to pay further attention to the Eagles.
We’re just waiting for the last million or two people to board the Phil Foden bandwagon and we’ll be off. Hopefully to Hat-Tricksville.
Aston Villa vs Brentford
PAUL: If Aston Villa were a horse, you’d probably have already ripped up your betting slip and gone home. The Villains have found a rut of mediocrity and can’t seem to shake themselves free. Who knows, maybe it’ll all be different this weekend, but I imagine Spurs are feeling incredibly optimistic right now.
Turns out Ivan Toney hasn’t scored for seven games. I’ve owned him for every single match, but last time I gave up on one of his dry spells (and sold him) he instantly got a hat trick. Even if he never scores again, he’ll be in my team every week until the end.
Everton vs Burnley
PAUL: Dismal doesn’t feel like a strong enough word for Everton, but if they can’t be bothered why should I?
Burnley are finally hitting the form everybody expected of them, just in time to get relegated gloriously. Ain’t football marvellous.
Fulham vs Newcastle United
PAUL: Ever since I bought Antonee Robinson, Fulham are not only incapable of keeping a clean sheet, but are also incapable of not conceding three goals or more. I can take a hint. I’ve sold him. Enjoy his thousand points in the next seven games.
Callum Wilson and Aleksander Isak have tormented me for four or five years, between them. Under my ownership, they invariably last no more then three games, usually with a random pull or tear happening in the warm-up before a match; but when I refuse to be lured into their promise of combined fitness and form, they stay fitter than god and score twice a week. Nowadays I just ignore them and wish Ivan Toney would score more goals.
Luton Town vs Bournemouth
PAUL: At no point this season have I managed to profit from any Luton players. Even thinking about Adebayo was enough to see his triangle turn orange. I wish you well, but they’re not for me.
I’m not buying Solanke. Which basically means I’m not even considering Bournemouth an option, but they’re my problems to work through. You do whatever you want.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs West Ham United
PAUL: I’ve finally managed to keep Ait-Nouri in my thoughts long enough to sign him. I wait to see how I’ll be rewarded. Maybe my car will get stolen. That would be a new cruelty to thrust upon me.
Jarrod Bowen is one of eight essential midfielders. If you don’t already have him, good luck deciding who to drop. If you do, then take that smug grin off your face. Nobody likes a show-off.
Brighton Hove Albion vs Arsenal
PAUL: One day, owning Tariq Lamptey will be seen as a genius move. I’m not sure that will be this weekend, but one day.
This is the bit where I say Saka and a defender and we all carry on with our lives as though I never said anything at all.
Manchester United vs Liverpool
PAUL: As a United fan, all hope finally left me about three years ago. Occasionally it resurfaces, then is usually dashed again after about eighty minutes of the match I’m watching. I’m prepared for anything. So much so, I’ve put Onana in net and captained Salah. How about that for mixed messages.
I say Salah could score six, a lot; but this time I really, really mean it.
Sheffield United vs Chelsea
PAUL: Sheffield United could only dream of reaching Everton’s dizzying heights of ‘dismal’.
It’s not Chelsea. It’s Cole Palmer. Anything else is just a disappointment waiting to happen.
Tottenham Hotspur vs Nottingham Forest
PAUL: If more people had Son’s work ethic and determination, I’d be sacked within a week and replaced with somebody who could do my job twice as fast and with half the whining. They don’t though, which is why you’ve got to pay over £10m for his services.
Last season, I tipped Gibbs-White to have a glorious end to the year, and he did; without me signing him. He looks like he’s doing it again. And still I’m not signing him. It’s definitely a cry for help. I just can’t work out who to, or exactly what kind of help I’m looking for.
Right then, the shelves are empty and the staff that re-stock them are on strike. Something about using a whip for motivation and ‘employees rights’. These millennials, eh. Anyway, come back next week when we’ll have duped more naive fools into working for us, and the shelves will be brimming with idiocy once more.
Need Another Wildcard 