Hello and Welcome to Game Week Thirty-Three. By now, you’re either giddy with excitement at the coming weeks as you battle for titles, or you’re already thinking about next season and how not to make the same mistakes all over again. Our advice is not to bother. You’ll probably never work it out. And even if you do, we all seem destined to repeat our errors until eternity. Anyway, let’s see how we can ruin another perfectly good weekend.
Newcastle United vs Tottenham Hotspur
PAUL: Newcastle limp their way to the end of the season, clinging to Anthony Gordon tighter than Jack would have grabbed that raft at the end of Titanic; if he wasn’t busy sinking to the bottom as a zombie ice cube. You can try Isak, but don’t blame me if he finds a way to spit in your eye.
Sometimes, when you’re buying a firework, you don’t necessarily need the biggest and most spectacular explosion the sky has ever seen. Sometimes you just need a well made Catherine Wheel that’s guaranteed to go off and deliver joy across a longer period of time. I present to you, Heung-Min Son.
Brentford vs Sheffield United
PAUL: If you see Ivan Toney, tell him I’m not selling him until he gets me a couple of goals. So he can stop waiting to rub it in my face by getting a hat trick the week I give in. Because I won’t be. Even if I have to buy him all over again next year.
I can’t even be bothered to insult Sheffield United. They have been scoring though. So, yeh.
Burnley vs Brighton Hove Albion
PAUL: Burnley are doing their best to look like they really tried to stay up and were just unlucky. I’m not buying it.
Tariq Lamptey continues to lead the charge from the back. I refuse to lose faith. As long as he doesn’t lose a hamstring in the shower. He’s careless like that.
Manchester City vs Luton Town
PAUL: Who knows? I’m not sure Pep even knows. I imagine he’ll check how many people have signed Foden this week before deciding if it’s satisfying enough to crush them with a no-show, or just ruin it for everybody who already had him by giving him thirty-five seconds before the final whistle.
Luton might fancy their chances against a potentially weakened City. Don’t be surprised if they nick a point. Or even three.
Nottingham Forest vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
PAUL: If I could have a sixth midfielder, it would definitely be Morgan Gibbs-White. But I can’t. And all the ones I’ve got keep scoring goals. And that’s the end of my riveting tale.
Ait-Nouri keeps doing the business, even after I spent the season slagging off Wolves and then buying him; although he has turned yellow, so maybe my comeupeth is coming. Sorry everybody.
Bournemouth vs Manchester United
PAUL: If Dominic Solanke doesn’t calm down soon, I might have to admit he’s actually worth having. But not yet. I’m still ignoring the Cherries and everything they stand for.
As a United fan, I’d just like the season to end so we can all get on with the farce that I expect this summer to be. With power battles in the Boardroom, and a hierarchy of two gangs that think they’re both in charge, I can’t wait to see how they resolve whether selling/buying a player for millions of pounds is a football or business decision. Over to the lawyers, I expect.
Liverpool vs Crystal Palace
PAUL: I think Liverpool need to turn Mo Salah on and off again. Something isn’t quite working right.
Mateta’s clearly had his Weetabix, but in the main, it’s a case of come back next year where Palace are concerned.
West Ham United vs Fulham
PAUL: If I could have a sixth midfielder, it would definitely be Jarrod Bowen. If you hadn’t realised it yet, I’m making this stuff up as I go along.
I bought Muniz as a useful player to come off the bench if needed. So far all he’s done is block Branthwaite from giving me six points. I look forward to seeing what he does to me this week.
Arsenal vs Aston Villa
PAUL: Can I really get away with saying Saka and a defender, again? I don’t know, but I seem to be giving it a go.
Have we all stopped bothering with Villa now, other than Watkins, of course? It just feels like time, although I sold Ollie after the first week, so why you’d pay any attention to me is a mystery.
Chelsea vs Everton
PAUL: Why would you sell Cole Palmer if you had him? Why wouldn’t you buy him if you didn’t? A question for everybody to ponder on.
I’ve got Branthwaite, but I stopped caring about Everton in week fourteen of Calvert-Lewin’s goal drought. No doubt I’ll try again with him, next year.
Right then. Pack up the picnic because the rain’s coming. And Suzy needs the loo and doesn’t believe a tree is enough for a lady to hide behind. Come back next week. We’ll be giving away free E-Cuddles, once we’ve worked out this whole internet thing everybody keeps talking about.
Need Another Wildcard 