Hello and welcome to Game Week Thirty-One. No sooner have we discarded the fallen dreams of Game Week Thirty than we have to face the misery of more disappointment with another round of fixtures; but here at Need Another Wildcard we believe false optimism is the best optimism, mainly because it’s the only kind we have. So lets get on with vomiting up some words about what to do.
Newcastle United vs Everton
PAUL: The black and white of Newcastle is somewhat reminiscent of the farce of the Keystone Cops at the minute. Everybody running around as a collective unit of madness, chasing the ball and hoping they can run it into the net. Anthony Gordon continues to be the best thing out of the North East since the Jarrow march. Unfortunately you can only have five midfielders, and there are seven who are essential. Sometimes maths is its own problem.
Everton are dismal. And that’s me being positive about them.
Nottingham Forest vs Fulham
PAUL: Morgan Gibbs-White continues to tick along unspectacularly, and I continue to avoid putting him in my team. In another season he’d have been there throughout, but other seasons didn’t involve Palmer and Gordon being the same price. Chris Wood is a decent chap to have on your bench. Always tidies up after himself.
I wondered how signing Antonee Robinson would backfire on me. Conceding three goals was not even on my list. Is Muniz becoming essential?
Bournemouth vs Crystal Palace
PAUL: I continue to boycott Dominic Solanke and he keeps scoring. You can all thank with me an Easter Egg each.
Looks like Palace are going to be rubbish. Check back again in three weeks, by which time Eze will have been injured and recovered four times.
Burnley vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
PAUL: Burnley are the twitching finger of the bad guy we thought was dead after a building fell on their head. And we all know what happens to the bad guy in the end, despite his brief revival.
Ait-Nouri plagues my thoughts, until I remember he plays for Wolves, and then I return to peace and harmony.
West Ham United vs Tottenham Hotspur
PAUL: Jarrod Bowen joins the band of seven essential midfielders. Kuddus is pushing to be the eighth. It may be time for the game to allow us to sacrifice a striker or two?
The Story of Football states many things, one of which is that Heung-Min Son will score if he spends more than eighty minutes standing on grass. And that Richarlison will try and look hard, even at a kids party.
Arsenal vs Luton Town
PAUL: Only half of the standard Arsenal advice of Saka and a defender, paid off last week. I wonder which half will flourish in this one.
If Adebayo was back and fit, I’d have something better to say here, but he isn’t. And so I don’t.
Brentford vs Brighton Hove Albion
PAUL: After becoming the first team to have a billion shots in a single match, Brentford should be buoyant. Or knackered. It’s always hard to tell. I expect Toney or Wissa will do something, but I also expected to have a flying car and personal robot assistant, by now.
I’ve stuck with Tariq Lamptey for a while now, and he delivered me another point last week. Well, he would have if he wasn’t on my bench. We have a mutual distrust of each either, but somehow it works.
Manchester City vs Aston Villa
PAUL: After the promise of fireworks we barely got a single, erratic light bulb, on Sunday. Maybe Pep forgot where he put them, and will inadvertently trigger them on Wednesday as he discards a lit cigarette out of his window. Or maybe they’ll limp to the finish line without a single trophy. I’m a United fan. Let me dream.
I finally sold Alex Moreno and he repaid me with his first clean sheet in months. Villa are dead to me.
Liverpool vs Sheffield United
PAUL: I would say it’s unnecessary to mention Mo Salah because everybody surely has him, but only thirty percent do. Makes you wonder what their eyes see.
Sheffield United remain hopeless, even when they pretend no to be.
Chelsea vs Manchester United
PAUL: As two previous titans of the game meet, in what used to be a title decider (or a top four scrap, minimum), we’re left with the unedifying spectacle of wondering which team will soil themselves first. All we can say is it won’t be Cole Palmer.
Right then, that’s it. Brief. Simple. And no doubt completely wrong, but caring is your first mistake. The second is paying attention to anything we say. Come back next week and ignore us all over again.
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