Hello and welcome to Game Week Thirty. It may be time to admit the season isn’t going to finish the way you imagined. Accept there’s no late surge to the top of the table coming. No invite to appear as the guest expert on a range of Fantasy Football podcasts. And realise that that girl in the bikini on Twitter doesn’t actually think you look cool. She just wants to boost her Instagram numbers. Anyway, if all we have to look forward to is oblivion, let’s make it the best oblivion anybody’s ever seen.
Newcastle United vs West Ham United
PAUL: Anthony Gordon has been my shining light this season, but I’ve dumped his flame in a bucket of water and am now terrified the cinders will re-ignite and take half my face with them. I sold him for Salah, so I’d like to think I’d get away with it; but I’ve said that more times than I’ve had half my face burned off by re-igniting cinders.
I don’t even want to think about West Ham, never mind sign any of their players; although Coufal continues to mock me for selling him.
Bournemouth vs Everton
PAUL: I’m aware Bournemouth exist. I’m aware of the fuss over Solanke. I’m also aware of countless reality TV shows and the palaver they generate, but I don’t participate in the hype and you can’t make me.
If you want someone who turns up and does a job, Jarrad Branthwaite is your guy. You may be on the phone every other week asking exactly what job he thought you’d asked him to do, but he’s filthy cheap so you’ve got no right to complain.
Chelsea vs Burnley
PAUL: Chelsea face Burnley just as the Clarets have worked out how to win, but Cole Palmer will probably do something whatever the outcome. He’s such a lovely chap he’ll even come round and wash your car. Malo Gusto sometimes comes with him, but usually stays in the car and listens to a podcast whilst making it clear he’s bored and wants to leave. Raheem Sterling occasionally turns up and spills three tonnes of manure on the car just as Palmer’s finished, but we all have a good laugh about it and agree what a jolly good time we’re all having together.
Will Burnley defy the odds? Will they actually win two games in a row? Will Vincent Kompany get a hat more befitting of his stature? I won’t be paying attention, whatever they do.
Nottingham Forest vs Crystal Palace
PAUL: After eighteen months of talking about Gibbs-White, and doing nothing about it, I put him in my Free Hit team and he got me an assist. Makes you wonder why he’s not in my proper team. I’m completely baffled by my behaviour.
The Eagle’s new manager has had a couple of weeks to settle in, so we should start to get some idea of whether to bother with Palace or not for the last eight games. I probably won’t, but that’s based on literally nothing.
Sheffield United vs Fulham
PAUL: Anything I say about Sheffield United will be derogatory or a complete lie, and I can’t be bothered writing either.
After tipping Antonee Robinson last week, I left him on my bench for his double digit haul. Well, I had left him on my bench. Then I woke up on Saturday morning with a light bulb above my head and sold him. For Reguilon. I’ve now bought him for my usual team. No doubt just in time to receive a red card.
Tottenham Hotspur vs Luton Town
PAUL: Maybe it’s time Spurs stopped playing football and ruining everybody’s weekends.
As a young adult, I briefly wanted a pair of Chino’s. All I got was a pair of tan pants with little give or room to shuffle. They suddenly came to me as I thought about Luton Town, and I’m just as confused by the metaphor as you no doubt are.
Aston Villa vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
PAUL: I’ve finally let go of Alex Moreno. Watch him soar now I’m no longer dragging him down.
I keep meaning to sign Ait-Nouri, but then I start thinking about Wolves and my mind threatens to switch to stand-by mode. In order to jump start it again, I picture a field filled with Smarties trees and marshmallow lakes in order to appease it. What was I talking about?
Brentford vs Manchester United
PAUL: If Sergio Reguilon even looks down the camera lens, I’m going to throttle the television. What is that guy’s problem?
I’ve been doing a jaunty dance with Rasmus Hojlund all season long. I put him pride of place every time he fails to turn up to a match, and he scores fifteen points a game whenever I sell him. It’s hilarious. We laugh about it all the time. No doubt I’ll be guffawing my way through the weekend as I can’t get think of a way to get him back in, and he’s inevitably going to score six.
Liverpool vs Brighton Hove Albion
PAUL: There’s a reason people say ‘Captain Salah and relax’. I’ve captained him. Let’s see how the second half of that sentence unfolds.
Just as everybody’s given up on Brighton, I persist with Tariq Lamptey. It’s a cry for help more than advice. I imagine I’ll be yelping for a while yet.
Manchester City vs Arsenal
PAUL: This game could be anything. As long as you’ve got Haaland and a midfielder, you’ll either sink or soar along with seventy percent of the game.
This game could be anything. As long as you’ve got Saka and a defender, you’ll either sink or soar along with seventy percent of the game.
Right then. Who needs football when we’re supposed to be remembering the sacrifice some rabbit made so that we could eat chocolate eggs. Or something. Come back next week for more ramblings about nothing, because spreadsheets are hard and make you take life far too seriously. Which is why we’ll only ever speak from the gut. A gut full of idiocy.
Need Another Wildcard 