By Paul Vayro and Mike Kewley
Hello and welcome to Gameweek Twenty-Nine. If ever a week was designed for a Free Hit Chip, this is it. Hardly any teams playing and they’re pretty much all bobbins. Now, if you’re thinking “but wait, I played my chip earlier in the season in a giddy haze when everything was rosy”, well as long as you’ve got Son and Watkins you’ll probably get away with it. Anyway, onwards to the fifteen players we expect everybody will have some variation of.
Burnley vs Brentford
PAUL: Even with only eight teams playing, I still can’t find room in my squad for any Burnley players. I’m not sure I even looked. There was a time when I was ready to put my faith in both Trafford and Koleosho, but that faded away pretty quickly. Who knows, maybe they’ll surprise us all, but I think I’m happy to be caught napping.
If Rico Henry was fit this paragraph would be at least two words longer. And if Ivan Toney didn’t exist I’d probably give Yoane Wissa a mention, but I’ve been raving about Toney ever since his return; so I’m delighted to welcome the rest of the game to my fully furnished bandwagon. All I ask is that you leave the place tidy when you abandon it next week, but for those that feel comfortable and want to hang around a while longer, there’s a special room at the back for permanent owners. All I’m allowed to say is free Hob-Nobs. The chocolate ones. And you can scoff away until the oats make your brain rattle.
MIKE: Another week of Vincent Kompany skilfully evading the sack at Burnley. Just as he hears the angry chairman stomping through the corridors of Turf Moor, he quickly unravels his Burnley shirt from his pocket and puts it on. “Ah, Vincent,” says the chairman, his face flush with anger, “one of our finest players. Do you know where the manager is? I really need a word with him.” Kompany strokes his chin, as if deep in thought. “I think he went that way” he replies, before chuckling to himself and quietly slipping away into the waiting taxi.
Ivan Toney must surely be the focal point of this ridiculous Gameweek. Mind you, I was convinced Solanke was the only person worth bothering with last weekend. So never mind.
Luton Town vs Nottingham Forest
PAUL: Is Elijah Adebayo fit or are a lot of people conspiring to wind me up? I debated putting him in for the double game week, only to find out he was injured. Then switched on the radio and was sure he was starting. I even cursed. But now he’s injured again and has played zero minutes for weeks, so maybe my hallucinations have started up again. What it does mean is that it’s time for Carlton Morris to pull a hamstring, because he’s going in my team.
Who keeps letting idiots with egos bigger than their bank accounts buy football clubs? Of course, it’s the Free Market system that’s made all our public services run to perfection and ensure poverty is a thing of the past. On a less cynical and woeful note, I’ve been meaning to give Gibbs-White a chance in my team for three seasons. If it doesn’t happen this week then I’ll have to admit I can’t even tell when I’m lying to myself any more.
MIKE: It’s interesting that even in a week with only four games, this fixture still holds little appeal. Do we actually have to engage with it, mathematically speaking? I’m going to assume not.
Fulham vs Tottenham Hotspur
PAUL: Between Timothy Castagne and Antonee Robinson there’s a lot of potential. None of it ever flourishes into points, but it’s definitely there, waiting for something I’ve given up hoping to find. I’ve still put Robinson in my team, but that’s more about Burnley not even being an option rather than any serious expectations.
Finally, a team you might pluck players from on a normal week. I imagine we’ll all have Son and two others from Pedro Porro, James Maddison, Kulesevski perhaps? Vicario. You get the idea.
MIKE: Alex Iwobi has sneaked up Fulham’s form list and might be worth a look. Guaranteed the only time this season I’ll write that.
Is this the moment it looked like we were heading for at the dawn of the season? Are Maddison and Son going to clean up? I’d say yes, if only because “cleaning up” this week will require nothing more than an assist and a half decent hairdo.
West Ham United vs Aston Villa
PAUL: If you’ve found five midfielders better than Jarrod Bowen (from those available this week) then you’re either deluded, spend far too much time looking at spreadsheets, or are in on a betting scam. I’m just a simple idiot, but even I can’t come up with a tenuous reason not to get the Christian Eriksen lookalike in my team. They have some other players, too, but none of them are also Jarrod Bowen.
Just repeat over in your head the way I introduced Spurs. Then replace the names with Ollie Watkins, followed by Douglas Luiz, Matty Cash/Alex Moreno/Lucas Digne! Maybe Tielemans or Moussa Diaby if you want a punt? Martinez. If you didn’t get the idea the first time then there’s little hope you’ll get it this one, either.
MIKE: The least consistent team in the league meets the most inconsistent. If that makes sense. Which it almost certainly doesn’t. Just bear in mind though – West Ham are seventh. Yes, that’s right. Seventh. In the actual league, yes. No, this isn’t supposed to be the funny, jokey bit. Fine, don’t believe me. Just don’t sleep on Jarrod Bowen.
After seeing everyone running away with his points, I was feeling quietly relieved by the fact that Ollie Watkins took a knock on Thursday night. Then I remembered there’s only only a couple of teams playing so I need to put him in anyway. Also, I’m going to give Lucas Digne another chance. Don’t ask.
Right then, sadly we’ve reached the end already, although some say it’s about quality not quantity. Sadly we’ve provided neither, but come back next week and see if we’ve got any better, or if you’re more sympathetic to our efforts. Or just carry on with your life, oblivious. None of it really matters, anyway.
Need Another Wildcard 