Hello and welcome to Game Week Twenty-Eight. Let’s raise a toast to the double game week. Then see if we can put the champagne back in the bottle and return it as we realise it’s only for Bournemouth and Luton. Nothing against either team, but two swigs of sick rather than one is hardly something to cheer. Anyway, on to the rest of the teams, and our boundless optimism for the week ahead.
Manchester United vs Everton
PAUL: The only player United had worth owning was Rasmus Hojlund, and that took five months to be true. Garnacho’s nice to have lingering on the bench in case you need him, and Marcus Rashford is like having a golden lung: looks impressive but is ultimately impractical. Makes you wonder why I’ve got Onana in net.
Jarrad Branthwaite continues to be the only interesting thing about Everton. Interesting in the way a friend may react when trying to set you up on a date, and you ask if they’re a hotty.
Bournemouth vs Sheffield United/Bournemouth vs Luton Town
PAUL: I guess everybody’s going to try and put Dominic Solanke in their team. You’re welcome to him. My long term dismissal of him isn’t about to change just because he’s had one good spell in his forty year career. I hope he makes you happy, and by that I mean I hope he pulls his calf within twenty seconds of kick-off.
I see Chris Wilder is determined to prove the first time he got Sheffield United relegated wasn’t a fluke. We believe you, Chris. You can stop making your point, now.
Crystal Palace vs Luton Town/Bournemouth vs Luton Town
PAUL: Are Palace becoming good or are they just pretending? It’s so hard to tell. If you’ve got space in your midfield it’s always nice to have Olise or Eze, just so you can get a few players off your bench when it turns out they’re injured, again.
I’ve been saying Adebayo’s worth a punt for several weeks without doing anything about it. Luckily he’s injured, stopping me regretting doing nothing about it all over again.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Fulham
PAUL: Expressing how little I care about Wolves can only be done by ending this sentence here.
Fulham are pushing their luck, too.
Arsenal vs Brentford
PAUL: Is it time to double up on Arsenal midfielders? If I’d asked that question four weeks ago I’d be the smuggest man in Fantasy Land right now. But I didn’t. Even worse, I opted for Zinchenko to represent my interest in the Gunners defence. He’s still there. Save yourself and move on.
Ivan Toney doesn’t care if Arsenal score seven. He’ll still find the net. Sorry, that should say ‘I don’t care if Arsenal score seven, as long as Ivan Toney still finds the net’. I get so confused about who I am, sometimes.
Aston Villa vs Tottenham Hotspur
PAUL: I regret selling Ollie Watkins in Week Three more than that time I smashed a bus stop window trying to recreate the Crane Kick in Karate Kid. The only thing I regret more is sticking to my decision in the belief he’d stop at some point and let me catch everyone off guard with a more potent alternative.
Spurs? Spurs? Spurs? Oh yeh. I remember them. They were unstoppable back before xmas. Dynamic, free flowing, points all over the pitch. I wonder what happened to them. I only hope they’re happy, wherever they are.
Brighton Hove Albion vs Nottingham Forest
PAUL: Are Brighton still good, because I’ve owned Tariq Lamptey for a while now and it has not gone well. I realise that sentence would be true at any point in the last three years, but I thought things were different now. I guess that’s what happens when you start putting your faith in anything. Remain cynical, People. It’s the only shield in this world full of fake smiles and empty promises.
Steve Cooper must be wondering if it was the lack of beard that got him sacked, because I’m really struggling to see why else it was necessary.
West Ham United vs Burnley
PAUL: I don’t really like to get involved with West Ham. I owned Bowen for a while a few seasons ago, for the exact period of time he stopped scoring in the middle of an obscene run of form. I got the message. I don’t need to hear it again.
I’m all for principles, but I’m also all for learning from your mistakes. It appears Vincent Kompany only agrees with one of these points.
Liverpool vs Manchester City
PAUL: If Mo Salah’s fit, why wouldn’t you captain him? This could potentially be 8-8.
The only reason not to captain Erling Halland, is if Mo Salah’s fit. This could potentially be 8-8.
Chelsea vs Newcastle United
PAUL: If you have Cole Palmer you don’t even have to pay attention to Chelsea. Just wait for the week to end and check whether he got you an assist, a goal, or maybe even one of each. He’s the self cleaning oven of the football world.
No matter how many times I see midfielders I desperately want to buy, Anthony Gordon turns up with a box of cookies and a reminder how grateful he is that I keep backing him. I’ll be five stone heavier by the end of the season, and have far fewer regrets at jumping on bandwagons that turned out to have no wheels and only half a drum.
Right then. The curtain has come down and it isn’t coming up for an encore, mainly because the string has snapped and the bloke that normally fixes it is already in his car and on the way home. We’ll have it sorted by next week though, so come back. Please.
Need Another Wildcard 