By Paul Vayro and Mike Kewley
Hello and welcome to Gameweek Twenty-Seven. Some people say Erling Haaland has no sense of humour, but what’s funnier than watching the world triple-captain you for two games and one goal, only to score five in a game that doesn’t count towards anything? Kevin De Bruyne rubbed further salt in the wounds after swapping his zero point return for a double digit haul. We hear they’re planning a nationwide tour, once retired, as the new Laurel and Hardy. Anyway, on to this week’s whining, that we like to call advice.
Brentford vs Chelsea
PAUL: Ivan Toney’s the man, but Yoane Wissa could be the little boy dressed up as his hero. He looked incredibly sharp on Monday night, but so do scissors. And last time I ran quickly towards them I nearly lost a thumb. Even I don’t know what to take from that advice, so you don’t stand a chance.
Three years ago I would have been swapping Nkunku in and out of my team every time his red triangle disappeared, but I’ve grown (and also spend far less time checking for red triangles). I discarded him after his first recurrence of whatever he’d strained. That man reeks of sitting in the stands making me sad. I’ll play no further part in what, quite frankly, I consider bullying.
MIKE: After weeks of regret at not having him, Operation Get Toney began on Monday morning. Sadly it fell apart at 2.30pm on Tuesday afternoon due to lack of funds.
However, after lots of moving money around and swapping players, I did finally manage to get Cole Palmer and was very excited about it. Sadly, it was only after I noticed the strains of “Anything Goes” coming from my fantasy football app that I realised I’d bought Cole Porter instead, a costly mistake that has taken days to untangle.
Everton vs West Ham United
PAUL: I’m just waiting for Jarrad Branthwaite to replace Calvert-Lewin upfront, and I can look back on this season with at least one highlight from an otherwise disastrous campaign.
David Moyes will return to Goodison Park a hero. Mainly because they’ve forgotten the part of each season where they wanted him out and only remember the headline at the end. West Ham fans are caught in the midst of one the Scotsman’s magical turning points. Which way will this one go? Who cares?
MIKE: Jarrad Branthwaite remains Everton’s best defensive bet. Vitalii Mykolenko, meanwhile, is gradually disappearing off the face of the planet, to the point where I’m beginning to think I dreamed him. He was definitely real. Does anyone remember him? Big guy? Fluffy pink fur? Unicorn horn on his head?
Who knows what to make of West Ham any more? Certainly not David Moyes, who resembles a grizzled sea captain aboard the deck of a ship, caught in the eye of a typhoon. James Ward-Prowse stands bewildered behind him. He was told he was signing up for a pleasure cruise.
Fulham vs Brighton Hove Albion
PAUL: Since selling Tomothy Castagne I’ve barely paid Fulham any attention. They just sit in the corner like an old discarded Playstation, looking on at the Playstation Two you replaced it with, wishing it was being fiddled with while you grinned inanely, just like the good old days.
Tariq Lamptey’s fibre optic hamstrings finally did me a favour last week as he was substituted before Brighton conceded. I knew there was a reason I’ve been buying him for four years straight. Finally, all that pain was worth it.
MIKE: I don’t want to talk about Fulham any more, because I always get it wrong. Somehow even this will be wrong. Even though I’m not saying anything.
Pascal Gross continues to eye me up from the other side of the bar. I continue to daintily bat my eyelashes and wait for him to make a move. Only another few songs before he goes off with someone else.
Newcastle United vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
PAUL: As long as you’ve got Anthony Gordon in your team the sun will continue to shine. The birds will continue to sing. And you’ll keep getting fifty-one chicken nuggets rather then the advertised fifty on the front of the bag. Everything else in the country will still be terrible, but at least you’ll have those few things.
After calling Wolves boring for months, I watched them again and was slightly entertained. I almost bought Ait-Nouri, but I didn’t. Writing this is the only thing that reminded me of my intentions. And the moment I stop typing, I’ll have forgotten it all over again.
MIKE: Somehow I still own Newcastle’s top two form players in Fabian Schar and Bruno Guimaraes. I’m convinced the FPL’s website is broken. I must let them know. Just as soon as I sell these two.
Wolves are still my favourite team. They offer nothing in terms of fantasy points, which is an issue. But that’s not my problem.
Nottingham Forest vs Liverpool
PAUL: Seriously, why did they sack Steve Cooper?
With the expiration of Klopp’s deal with the devil fast approaching, he knows he needs to flee the football scene before a puff of smoke turns him back into Sam Allardyce. Whoever he plays, they’ll score four goals. It’s in the small print. Written in the blood of a weeping otter.
MIKE: Forest’s buying of a million players has caught up with them. No, I’m not talking about their looming charges. I’m talking about the fact that there are too many fantasy options, all of which are underwhelming. Except Callum Hudson-Odoi, who seems to have temporarily forgotten he’s at Forest. £4.7m is ridiculous for a player in his form. Just be sure to sell him as soon as he glances down and sees his shirt.
I don’t really know what to say about Liverpool when Salah has one of those dreaded triangles above his head. Like a bear that has just wandered into your kitchen, all you can do is remain still and wait for it to go away.
Tottenham Hotspur vs Crystal Palace
PAUL: Since selling all my Spurs players I’ve completely forgotten they exist. They’re just a faint whisper in the shadows, occasionally enticing a glance in their direction, but ultimately being dismissed as a passing cat looking for a late night disco. I blame Richarlison for keeping Son out of his best position, but I also blamed him for a flat tyre I got last month. The man’s a pest.
Having had very little to say about Palace for the last few years, I’ve relied on mocking Roy Hodgson to fill this paragraph. Give me a few weeks to find a caricature for their new manager. Until then, Olise? Eze? Are they even fit?
MIKE: Poor Son Heung-Min. Kidnapped by a lookalike and bundled into a car boot while he was at the Asian Cup. I can only hope this inept imposter is stopped soon, and he’s recused from whichever hotel room he’s currently tied to a chair in.
Jordan Ayew looks like he could benefit from the changing of the guard at Palace. Meanwhile I may have landed on my feet by keeping Mateta hanging around. It’s too early to say which players will really emerge, but keep any players you’ve already got. Just to see what happens.
Luton Town vs Aston Villa
PAUL: Morris and Adebayo make great bench options that can be used to free up some extra money for elsewhere; which is probably the most useful and sensible sentence I’ve uttered in five years of typing this nonsense. I feel compelled to mention a giraffe on roller skates, just to rebalance the universe.
Alex Moreno is both a disaster and a joy, which I’m told is basically what being a parent feels like. Let’s hope he brings home at least fifteen points rather than a rubbish cake that’s been so lovingly made that I’m forced to pretend I’m enjoying it.
MIKE: Luton players are as close as you can get to a free roll of the dice. The likes of Barkley, Morris and Adebayo are cheap enough to free up money, while still potentially having points in them. Maybe avoid defenders. Solid advice, that. What a shame Paul has already said it just now.
I can’t keep talking about Ollie Watkins any more. It’s too much. If I squint, Mateta’s kit looks like it could be Villa’s. I can pretend I’ve got him. I’ll have to really squint when I look at his points.
Burnley vs Bournemouth
PAUL: I have nothing positive to say about Burnley.
I refuse to say anything positive about Bournemouth, even though they’re actually quite good.
MIKE: Surely Dominic Solanke is going to run riot here? They’ll remember this day in Burnley for years. The day that man from the south coast came to town and ruined things. The season was all going so well until then.
Manchester City vs Manchester United
PAUL: Imagine how many goals Erling Haaland will score this weekend. Now half it. Then take away one. And throw away whatever’s left. If you haven’t worked out that the FA Cup tie was all a trick to make you captain him before he blanks, then you’ve learned nothing. I feel I should point out I’ll definitely be captaining him, and I’m a reasonably optimistic United fan.
As a United fan I don’t see how this can end well. If it isn’t over by half-time I’ll consider it progress. Maybe I’m not as optimistic as I thought. Or reasonable.
MIKE: I’m sure Paul will enjoy this one. Comparing the two teams’ preparation is foreboding – Haaland has warmed up nicely with a goal or two in midweek, while United limped to a win over Forest, and had to play half an hour of extra time on top. Oh no, wait, they didn’t. It just felt like it.
Sheffield United vs Arsenal
PAUL: I’m not going to patronise you by suggesting you should go anywhere near any of the Blades players. Even the alright ones.
About five weeks ago I saw Arsenal’s run of fixtures coming up and realised I needed a part of their defence. I’m boycotting Saliba and Gabriel (for futile reasons) and opted for Raya, only to change my mind at the last minute and put Onana in net instead. Mainly because I could satisfy my cockney urge with Zinchenko. Who’s been yellow ever since.
MIKE: Springtime is here. Lambs frolicking in the fields. Rabbits bounding through the grass. Daffodils beginning to bloom. And Bukayo Saka romping through the grass, with Kai Havertz skipping alongside him. But hang on, what’s that? They’ve got lawnmowers. Blades of grass flying everywhere.
Right then, when we hold your shoes up it’s time to depart the bouncy castle and return to normal flooring. It may take a while to adjust to a stable reality after being beaten around the head with such idiocy, but hopefully you’ll have forgotten how awful it was by next week and come back for more. Until then, enjoy.
Need Another Wildcard 