By Paul Vayro and Mike Kewley
Hello and Welcome to Game Week Twenty-Six! After the feast that was the double game week, it’s now time for a famine of a round with the loss of three teams who make a crucial contribution to everybody’s squads. And Luton. So let’s get on with saying some words telling you what to do about it. Words that definitely shouldn’t be acted upon.
Aston Villa vs Nottingham Forest
PAUL: Alex Moreno is an enigma. Owning him is a lot like finding out your car’s a Transformer and nips out at night to the local robot disco. You can’t predict or control it. You just have to hope it’s there at 8am when you have to drive to work.
Remind me why Steve Cooper was sacked?
MIKE: Okay so maybe I should never have sold Watkins. I’m prepared to admit that was a mistake. In fact I’m pretty sure that if I’d done my transfers backwards I’d have more points by now.
I don’t really have the time to think about Forest. They’ve just got too many players, and I’m a busy man. Well, half of that last sentence is true.
Brighton Hove Albion vs Everton
PAUL: I’ve signed Tariq Lamptey for the umpteenth time in his career. He went off at half time. I seem to have a real problem squaring my expectations and reality. As if to prove the point, I haven’t sold him.
Jarrad Branthwaite continues to abuse my faith in him. Like the Invisible Man that can only disappear if nobody looks at him, he only does anything when I dismiss him completely. He is cheap though. But he plays for Everton. The man’s a roller coaster. A small one. That’s usually out of order.
MIKE: Still no Brighton players in my team. Pascal Gross is looking good again. Like I’ll do anything about it.
Mykolenko has taken a knock. This heralds the end of my interest in Everton until he gets better. Take your time, Vitalii.
Crystal Palace vs Burnley
PAUL: We hear Roy Hodgson woke up in bed to find the Palace Board sat around him. ‘So, about that meeting you were on your way to when this ‘dizziness’ started’. I’m sure the new manager can’t wait to get on the training pitch and watch his players leave injured, one by one.
It doesn’t seem fair to even make jokes about Burnley any more, especially when watching them gives you a big enough laugh.
MIKE: How exciting it must be to support Palace. To always live on the cusp of having a great team. It’s too early to say who the favourites will be, so if you want to be safe, go for Eze. Having said that, if you’re the kind of person who plays it safe, you’ll generally be in the habit of skipping paragraphs about Crystal Palace.
Vincent Kompany breathes a sigh of relief once again, as another week goes by without the sack. “Look, it’s Vincent Kompany!” cry the fans, players and board, in unison, as he skips away at the final whistle, before they all simultaneously realise he’s the man responsible for their latest debacle. All too late, as the wheels spin and the taxi shoots off into the sinking Saturday sun. Alas, by the time the weekend rolls around again, those simple Burnley folk have forgotten they even saw him.
Manchester United vs Fulham
PAUL: After months of being slapped about by Rasmus Hojlund, it turns out he was massaging me all along. I see it now. The dull thuds that were jarring those knots from my shoulders. The wet lashes that rippled the flesh and made it saggy enough to grip and roll towards bliss. The pain was all part of the joy. I just wish he’d told me sooner.
Fulham love nothing more than nearly beating United, and I have no doubt they’ll nearly beat us again. I’m not sure how you profit from that nugget of futile wisdom, but I just say things. It’s up to you to interpret them.
MIKE: Me and Paul seem to have swapped roles recently in regards to the Red Devils. He’s been optimistic about their chances while I’ve been quite down on them. Hopefully soon things will even out and we’ll both have nothing but apathy for them. Kobbie Mainoo has been doing his best since I bought him.
It’s hard to recommend a Fulham player, especially with the fixtures they’ve got. So I won’t.
Bournemouth vs Manchester City
PAUL: I worry for Bournemouth. City look like they’re going to batter somebody, soon.
Haaland. Foden. De Bruyne. Is anybody saying anything different? If they are, they should stop it and focus on Haaland, De Bruyne and Foden.
MIKE: A tale of two strikers for me, this match, both of whom elicit very different emotions, personally speaking. Dominic Solanke is like a tent, pitched on the shore of a lake district mountain tarn. Sure it’s cold, and not the most comfortable place to be, but by golly it’s worth it when you pour your coffee at sunrise with that beautiful view all to yourself. Erling Haaland, meanwhile, is a youth hostel. It’s a guaranteed bed for the night, sure, but good luck trying to sleep with everyone’s sweaty armpits in your nostrils. Bet you wish you had some of this Kendal mint cake now, eh?
Arsenal vs Newcastle United
PAUL: Saka and a defender is the air fryer version of fantasy football advice: People who have them always go on about them, but the truth is it really, really works. And we just want the sad people of the world to wake up and realise there’s an alternative to misery and waiting half an hour for the oven to warm up.
Anthony Gordon has taken the weight of what to do about Newcastle United from my shoulders and carried it all on his own, all season. After years of rotating Wilson and Isak in an effort to catch one of them actually on the pitch and not lay down having his legs rubbed, Gordon plays even when he’s supposed to be injured. And scores nearly all the time. Every ground should have a minute’s applause for him, this weekend.
MIKE: The redemption of Kai Havertz promises to be one of the great stories of the 2023/24 season. I can’t wait for the film, with Leonardo Di Caprio playing Martin Odegaard, while Al Pacino and Robert De Niro cameo as Mikel Arteta’s left and right eyebrows respectively.
Last week I may have given the impression that Fabian Schar is the new Alan Shearer. I’ve been asked by our bosses to make it clear that such views do not represent those of Need Another Wildcard as a whole. I’d like to apologise to everyone in the fantasy football community for my comments.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Sheffield United
PAUL: I’m not sure what Wolves want but I wish them every luck in achieving it.
Who would have thought bringing back the manager that got you relegated would lead to a dismal slump and practical confirmation of another relegation? It’s like the world wanders about with its eyes closed, refusing to open them in case it learns something.
MIKE: Everyone’s favourite team (by which I mean mine) host the Blades and surely another spanking awaits? Sadly, while Wolves may be thrilling (by which I mean for me), it’s not easy to predict where the goals will come from. I’ve got five quid on Jose Sa for first scorer.
Sheffield United have the air of a losing player in Monopoly. Yes, they’re having to pawn off all their stations just so they can stop on Old Kent Road, but they’re still technically in the game. Sadly, there are hotels on the oranges just around the corner, and they’ve only got the waterworks and a get out of jail card left.
West Ham United vs Brentford
PAUL: Oh, look; West Ham are tumbling back down the table as David Moyes oversees another Jekyll and Hyde season of potential brilliance combined with relegation certainty. I’m sure we’ll only remember the good bit, as always.
Ivan Toney must be getting a fresh tattoo on his chest, ready to reveal on Monday night as he scores his sixth goal. Let’s hope it’s stopped weeping by then.
MIKE: I see. So they tucked this fixture away on a Monday night, in the hope I’d forget about it? Well, congratulations. It worked.
Right then. We’ve reached the final destination. No, not the terrible film where Death forgets it can just stop a person’s heart and instead chooses to volley them to the moon and back via a broken see-saw, but the end of our witterings. Come back next week when we’ll start all over again.
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