By Paul Vayro and Mike Kewley
Hello and welcome to Gameweek Twenty Five! It’s double fixtures for some of the most owned and wanted players in the game, which guarantees plenty of squad rotation and disappointment when each match ends one-all with a great solo goal from somebody playing for the first time. It’s our optimism here at Need Another Wildcard that lures you in, and the empathy with your complete despair that keeps you coming back. So let’s get on with this week’s loosely labelled ‘advice’.
Brentford vs Liverpool/City vs Brentford/Liverpool vs Luton
PAUL: Brentford’s double game week consists of Manchester City and Liverpool, meaning most people won’t bother with them; but Ivan Toney is not a man to be swayed by reputations and statistics. All he sees is men standing in front of the goal he needs to stick the ball in, and unless they can turn into a giant tiger, they’d better get out of the way or end up in the net with it. I may be approaching this week with an excess of confidence.
Mo Salah continues to ruin everybody’s lives by potentially playing both games, no games, or some of each. My gut says he’ll play them both and score handsomely. My head says you’ve got Diogo Jota so be happy with whatever he contributes rather than rip your team apart for the return of the Egyptian Wildman. Life is so hard sometimes.
MIKE: Ivan Toney is back and it’s like he was never away. By which I mean I still don’t have him, and continue to wish I did.
When I realised how many players I was going to lose to the Asian and African cups, instead of getting all stressed about it, I decided to have a semi-break from fantasy football instead. This proved just as stressful, and I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I’ve spent the last month desperately waiting for Mo Salah to come back. Watching AFCON, I celebrated the fall of the Egyptians like I was Alexander the Great himself, yet I’m still waiting for my midfield hero to come back. It’s not fair. This is looking like my week though. Surely.
Burnley vs Arsenal
PAUL: What’s that? You’ve got Burnley players? Oh; you stopped playing after Week One. That explains it. Carry on.
Just as everybody needs to trim their squads of expensive players in an effort to get Salah back in, Bukayo Saka has remembered that he can score at least one goal a week if he wants to. I’m not sure he’ll forget for a while yet.
MIKE: D. D. Fofana may have emerged as a new threat up front for Burnley, but just because his name is fun to say doesn’t mean we should all get involved. I learned that lesson many moons ago. That’s right, Ricky van Wolfswinkel, I haven’t forgotten you.
Bukayo Saka is still Arsenal’s finest wine, to be savoured to your heart’s content. Which must make Gabriel Jesus that bottle of Blue Nun you’ve had on top of the fridge since Christmas 2021.
Fulham vs Aston Villa
PAUL: Antonee Robinson is everything I look for in a player: Always involved but never getting any goals or assists. They’re coming. All you have to do is buy him now and wait a couple of months before selling him; at which point he’ll get a double digit haul. Twice.
Everybody can see Alex Moreno running around being brilliant, right? Or am I having another one of those fits?
MIKE: Like the mullet, Fulham are undergoing a resurgence which, while impressive in its sheer audacity, doesn’t feel all that convincing in the long run. Muniz is raising eyebrows all of a sudden, and at £4.4m you might as well try him. It’s not like anyone will notice if it backfires at that price.
It feels like Villa have been rubbish recently, yet Watkins is still flying. Then you remember they annihilated Sheffield United 5-0. Then you remember it was Sheffield United. If you’re expecting this paragraph to dwindle out with no definitive conclusion, well then you’d be right.
Newcastle United vs Bournemouth
PAUL: When Kieran Trippier signed for Newcastle, I decided not to follow the general consensus and opted for Matt Targett instead. Since then I’ve avoided the Northern genius out of a stubbornness that has no justified origin or purpose other than to hurt myself. It looks like he’s about to start really rubbing my face in it.
I remember when Bournemouth were good and Dominic Solanke was looking worth the millions that have been spent on him, but I also remember when I was a young, ambitious author destined for great things. Reality is a cruel master that will not be ignored.
MIKE: Fabian Schar is suddenly the best thing to happen to football. I can’t wait to unleash him against Bournemouth.
Dominic Solanke is the other best thing to happen to football. This weekend the pair come together in a titanic battle, an unstoppable force meeting an immovable object. And I’m stuck underneath the pair of them, wailing and crying for someone to pull me out because I can’t breathe.
Nottingham Forest vs West Ham United
PAUL: If there is a hidden key to Forest then it involves Gibbs-White and Awoniyi, but I’ve checked under the mat and there’s nothing there.
Will West Ham fire back after their drubbing at the hands of Arsenal? Or will the players see the chance to get Moyes out the door and take another pounding? Maybe he should let all that talent on the pitch attack, but what do I know?
MIKE: Now that Nuno has finished meeting and greeting all his players, he’s free to get on with the job of managing them. It’s going all right.
The downside of having a break from fantasy football is that you run the risk of returning to your team to find you left a West Ham defender and goalkeeper on the pitch. This is akin to coming home to to find you left the oven on. With your stash of antique World War One grenades inside. I’ve spent all week trying to fix this, and I’ve decided the best policy is just to lie down on the floor with my hands on my head.
Tottenham Hotspur vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
PAUL: I didn’t want to sign Pedro Porro, but his form seemed impossible to ignore; and now I own him he couldn’t try to punch himself on the nose without breaking his foot. Sometimes you need a little reminder that the universe hates you. I thank the Spaniard for keeping me humble.
Wolves are so dull I can’t even think of an interesting way of saying it. Wolves are dull. I want no part of it. See what I mean?
MIKE: Now we’re talking. The reverse fixture earlier in the season was a stormer as Wolves came from behind late on. Richarlison is somehow the form player for Spurs, a fact which I refuse to believe, or even acknowledge.
I don’t know what Paul is talking about, which admittedly isn’t a novel feeling. Wolves are my new favourite Premier League team, and Max Kilman is my new favourite Premier League player. He’s just an all-round nice bloke. That’s enough to get you in my team these days.
Manchester City vs Chelsea/City vs Brentford
PAUL: Is triple captaining Haaland too obvious? Will he even play both games? Will De Bruyne? Will anybody? Probably not, but maybe. Anybody telling you what to do about City should be ignored. Even if it’s Pep himself. Do what feels best and hope it all works out.
Is Cole Palmer going to break City hearts upon his return? I hope not. I’ve left him on my bench. Malo Gusto continues to be the best value defender in the game, which makes me question why I’ve sold him four times.
MIKE: Haaland is back and fantasy football can stop being interesting again. Just put him in your team, captain him and relax in the knowledge that he’ll continue to score, the birds will continue to sing and the rivers will continue to flow unerringly to the sea. He’s like fantasy football’s answer to morphine.
I almost forgot to write something about Chelsea. They’ve occupied a blind spot in my fantasy football vision all season, and now they’re threatening to prang the side of my car. I think Cole Palmer is driving.
Sheffield United vs Brighton Hove Albion
PAUL: I’d given up on Sheffield United, which is why I failed the interview for manager. Jayden Bogle’s still an alluring prospect though. If only he played for somebody else.
I’ve always been a Tariq Lamptey fan, and the tiny wizard appears in my team at least five or six times a season before his glass thighs smash into a million pieces once more. He’s in my team again. I look forward to selling him next week.
MIKE: It’s not looking good for Sheffield United. Which is a bit like saying it’s not looking good for a bus driver just as he steers into a ravine.
I honestly can’t remember whether Brighton were good or bad when I last paid attention to them. Whenever they come up in conversation at work, I break into a sweat and mumble something about needing the toilet, lest I be exposed as someone who can’t be bothered to keep up with football. I think I got away with it for another week.
Luton Town vs Manchester United/Liverpool vs Luton
PAUL: I’ll never understand why people go crazy to have rubbish players just because they’re playing twice. It just means they get two chances to do nothing. If you want anybody it’s Adebayo, but I suspect having nobody will have little impact on your weekend.
You can have Maguire, Garnacho and Hojlund for only a few million more than Haaland. I’m not saying it’s a good idea. I’m just pointing out one of those stats things that everybody loves.
MIKE: Luton have suddenly thrown up countless budget options, but surely at £4.9m Elijah Adebayo is the most thrilling. He’s appeared on the scene so suddenly that he doesn’t even have a photo on the FPL website, which only adds to his air of exotic mystery. It’s like having Batman in your team. The good, enigmatic Michael Keaton Batman. Not the rubbish George Clooney Batman.
If Adebayo is Keaton, then surely Bruno Fernandes is Adam West, bungling his way to victory with a “THUMP” and a “PLONK” as his caped crusaders somehow triumph again. Until they play a proper team again. Kobbie Mainoo, meanwhile, makes an intrepid Robin, and is worth a shot in anyone’s line-up.
Everton vs Crystal Palace
PAUL: Jarrad Branthwaite should be in a hundred percent of teams, or maybe I don’t understand how this game works; which is far more likely.
I normally mock Roy Hodgson’s age and sanity, but bearing in mind his situation I’d just like to wish him well.
MIKE: Like going to an escape room with people who don’t speak the same language as you, this match promises to be a long and bewildering affair with no obvious end. There are plenty of other fixtures in this gameweek, without having to worry about this one as well. Which is a neat way of getting out of saying anything about it.
Right then. Collect your belongings and make your way to the exit. Anything left behind will be destroyed, unless we like the look of it and then we’ll be taking it home and claiming it was destroyed when you ring up to try and collect it. See you all next week.
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