Hello and welcome to Game Week Twenty Four. If you didn’t score a thousand points last week then you’ve either abandoned your team or life itself. Or maybe you’re just rubbish. We definitely fall into at least one of these categories. Not that it stops us pouring spurious meanderings out into the internet for people to read and heed, because we’ve all got an opinion, and now we have a platform we’ll use it to insist we know better than everybody else. A billion human islands of idiocy all shouting and never listening. Ain’t the future great. Anyway, on with some words about football.
Manchester City vs Everton
PAUL: Kevin De Bruyne is so proud of his flowing locks he insists on being permanently on camera. He achieves this by always having the ball, before slipping a hand through his mottled crown whilst waiting for the faintest whiff of a run from one of his team mates. Until his knee collapses and we can all put Salah back in.
I’m fully expecting Jarrad Branthwaite to come round my house and punch me in the face, such is his personal disdain for me at the moment. Well I refuse to put him on the pitch just so he can score an own goal and get sent off, to complete my miserable four week ownership of him. The man must think I’m an idiot.
Fulham vs Bournemouth
PAUL: I’ve really made an effort to engage with Fulham this season. It’s not me. It’s them.
I’ve made no effort whatsoever to engage with Bournemouth. It’s not them, it’s me.
Liverpool vs Burnley
PAUL: It’s Diogo Jota or nothing at the minute. I’m just hoping the nothing extends to their trophy cabinet. I’m a United fan and I’m bitter about a rivals success. It’s what football’s all about. Why am I justifying myself.
It’s a good job Sheffield United are so poor otherwise Burnley might be getting a lot more stick than they currently are.
Luton Town vs Sheffield United
PAUL: I’ve mentioned Adebayo twice and done nothing about it. He scored a hat trick, but still I sit motionless. What’s that saying about fools repeating mistakes?
It’s a good job Burnley are so poor otherwise Sheffield United might be getting a lot more stick than they currently are.
Tottenham Hotspur vs Brighton Hove Albion
PAUL: I imagine Heung-Min Son is so eager to get back he hasn’t even waited for a plane and is already sprinting across the continent in his Spurs shirt. He’ll arrive in the box just as James Maddison’s latest cross is looking for a head to strike. Or he might be knackered and left on the bench. Or maybe you just think he’s an expensive Richarlison and can do without him. I’ve given up thinking. Every decision I ponder on only ever leads to regret.
I’ve been boycotting Estupinan for two seasons. I missed the start of the bandwagon and am never a man to join one once you’re struggling to get a seat, but I bought him ready for his come back. I wish I’d never bothered. Tariq Lamptey’s back for the eighth time this season, just in case you were wondering.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Brentford
PAUL: The only time I think about Wolves is when I have to type this pithy comment. It’s not a judgement. I’m sure you could have a right good time with any number of their players in your team, but I’m just thinking about the Viennese Whirls in my fridge rather than who their forward line is. Yes, that’s right. I put biscuits in the fridge.
Ivan Toney has come back even better than expected. Thankfully, not too good as I left him on my bench against City; but he could still be on for twenty goals. Bear in mind I put biscuits in the fridge. I have no idea about anything.
Nottingham Forest vs Newcastle United
PAUL: At the start of the season, when I thought of Forest I thought of the Keystone Cops: hurling around the streets causing slapstick mayhem in pursuit of the win. Now I think of them as one of those sad dogs at the start of an RSPCA advert. Funny how the mind works.
Anthony Gordon is the equivalent of leaving your radio and a couple of lights on when you go out for the night, just so burglars don’t bother taking the chance and rob next door instead. Peace of mind for £6.2m. Bargain.
West Ham United vs Arsenal
PAUL: Bowen appears to have stopped. Is Kuddus about to begin? Will Michail Antonio buy a decent hat for the next time he appears on Monday Night Football?
Saka’s back to pottering along with a goal a game, if you like that kind of thing.
Aston Villa vs Manchester United
PAUL: Alex Moreno went some way to restoring my faith in humanity this week. Now if all the dictators of the world could just set fire to their egos and let people run countries in the interest of the people rather than their bank accounts, I may be able to finally get some sleep. Fingers crossed.
United are definitely back this time. As is Rasmus Hojlund in my line-up. I’ve sold him three times, each moment inspiring at least a goal from the youngster’s thunder foot. I’m not selling him until I get something, even if it’s a single bonus point.
Crystal Palace vs Chelsea
PAUL: Roy Hodgson took all his injured players for a day out in the week for a team bonding exercise. They were pushed to their limits on a Tough Mudder course before being dunked in an ice bath and screamed at to be harder like men were in the 1920’s. People say Roy’s behind the curve when it comes to Sport’s Science, but maybe he’s ahead of it? It is a circle, after all. Let’s ask Michael Olise what he thinks.
Chelsea don’t even look good on paper any more, except for Cole Palmer, but he’s clearly a Phil Foden clone that got left to dry on the line for too long. Once Pep releases his silent homing whistle, helicopter blades will emerge from his head and he’ll fly home to replace De Bruyne as he retires.
Right then. Take all of that on board and discard what you don’t agree with over the side. The ocean’s massive. It can take it. Throw a bit of oil over there, too. And any spare plastic. Who knows, you might catch a dolphin in a Marks and Spencer’s bag. Good luck.
Need Another Wildcard 