By Paul Vayro and Mike Kewley
Hello and welcome to Gameweek Five! It’s the first quick turnaround of the season, which means just as we recover from the punch in the gut of last weekend, we’re met by a headbutt to the centre of the nose. So let’s stumble around blindly together, and hope we don’t open our eyes to find out we’ve wandered off a cliff.
Crystal Palace vs Brentford
PAUL: As ever in fantasy football I tipped Joachim Andersen two weeks ago and did nothing about it, thus missing out on his goal against City. The man I did act on, Wilfried Zaha, has decided if he won’t kill me with inconsistent form he’ll just sit the game out altogether. Welcome to Crystal Palace, where they’ll do everything they can to make you feel like a chump.
Brentford continue to be an utter delight. Rico Henry continues to receive my praise and yet still doesn’t make it into my team. And I continue to curse players the moment I buy them as Ivan Toney missed out on a double digit points haul by a series of whiskers. How I love this game.
MIKE: I added Ben Mee and Ivan Toney last week, and they did nothing. I imagine it was a simple mistake, and they will see the error of their ways. I have to believe that.
Fulham vs Brighton Hove Albion
PAUL: I feel Marco Silva is my spirit animal, such has been my belief in his career, and if he was available to buy he’d be in my squad. But you can’t. So I’m stuck. I’m ignoring Mitrovic for reasons I can’t justify, and still can’t work out how best to get points from any of the other Cottage dwellers.
Mike’s faith in Pascal Gross, and my mockery of his inability to maintain any form, is working out great for my co-writer. If he could pay his energy bills in smug grins he’d have his entire street’s electric heaters plugged into his house over winter and still be in profit. I do love Brighton, and particularly Graham Potter, but Gross is Mike’s man now, and just as I wouldn’t go to a tequila bar with his ex, I have to respect the boundaries society has set.
MIKE: I was convinced that Pascal Gross would stop doing anything as soon as I welcomed him aboard, but he just keeps going. I can’t believe my luck to be honest, and I’m still not fully convinced this isn’t some sort of trap, which has been devised by Paul and Pascal himself. It’s the only way to explain Paul’s indifference.
Southampton vs Chelsea
PAUL: I think I’ve run out of ways to say I respect Hassenhutl and Southampton, but buying any of their players will only increase my anxiety levels, and I’ve already chewed my thumb down to a nubbin.
Oh look. Raheem Sterling’s amazing. We should have all kept faith, yadda yadda yadda. Come back in another four weeks when the hokey cokey king will make you regret dumping him all over again. Until then get Cucurella in your team and be grateful he hasn’t learned about hair straighteners yet.
MIKE: Despite their win over Leicester, I’m still not convinced Chelsea are firing on all cylinders, and something seems lacking. I still don’t have any of their players, and I’m oddly unconcerned. However, they are about to embark upon three winnable games (the Saints, West Ham and Fulham), so by the time I snap out of it, it could be too late. Raheem Sterling could be about to explode, but I just know I’m going to bend down to tie my shoelace and miss the fireworks.
Leeds United vs Everton
PAUL: After openly declaring I want nothing to do with Leeds I put Jack Harrison in my team. It’s not Harrison, it’s Marsch. Hearing him talk makes me hate football. Even typing his name is making me sweat rage. I need to move on, in so many ways.
Everton’s latest attempt to pretend everything’s okay is fooling nobody. Lampard’s a man who can turn victories into draws and draws into losses, just by folding his arms and looking sternly at the pitch. It’s a gift, just like Midas’ present from the Gods, and we all know how that turned out. Golden balls indeed.
MIKE: Another game I have no stake in. Do I even have any players? Rodrigo and Harrison would be the obvious choices if I were to dabble in Leeds, but Pascal Struijk is making a name for himself, even if no-one’s quite sure how to pronounce it. Besides, he’s only £4.5m. I’m not going to insult your intelligence by pretending any Everton players are worth getting.
Arsenal vs Aston Villa
PAUL: The Arsenal roadshow continues, and another week passes where not owning Jesus didn’t bring down a plague upon my family. Fabio Vieira remains my main interest, until he actually plays and I can start denying I ever uttered his name.
I gave up on Villa last week, and it looks like the team gave up on Gerrard this one. Maybe he should have waited for his leadership to be flourishing before picking a fight with the team captain who has loads of mates and influence at the club, but what do I know? Get out while you still can.
MIKE: I’m starting to worry that my plan of ignoring Martin Odegaard until he goes away isn’t going to work. After another double-figures haul, he’s looking like a must-have. I will continue to clutch Jesus tightly and pretend I know what I’m doing.
Bournemouth vs Wolverhampton Wanderers
PAUL: I still don’t know what to do with Bournemouth, and their result this weekend makes me glad I didn’t try anything.
I thought I’d finally figured out Wolves purpose this season; then came the eighty sixth minute and Alain Saint-Maximin’s wand laden foot making contact with the ball. Clean sheets, had been my conclusion. They don’t care about scoring, just not conceding, so get in on their back line. But now I’m back to being confused. I’ll have another theory in a week or two. I can almost smell your ambivalence about it.
MIKE: As I so intelligently predicted, Bournemouth are nothing until they realise they must build their entire game plan around Dominic Solanke. Wolves, meanwhile, are like one of those gimmicky utensils you see in Ikea, such as a whisk with a light on the end, or an egg timer with a cheese grater on the bottom. Sure, it’s a neat idea in theory, and for a fleeting moment, you think it’s something you need in your life. Then you put it back on the shelf and move on.
Manchester City vs Nottingham Forest
PAUL: Goal Robot Haaland had been fully assimilated to the Premier League and will now destroy every net that has the misfortune of meeting him, or something equally ridiculous. Are City not so worried about clean sheets now they have a thousand goals a game just waiting to be unleashed, and do we need to have one of their assets in defence as a result?
I’ve spent the season ip-dipping between Ederson, Henderson and Pope in net; and stuck with the most costly and least point scoring option every time. Do I maintain my stance for the season and hope the long game pays off or abandon my original plan? I have no answer, but impulse will tell me what to do when I least expect it. Morgan Gibbs-White looked more than lively, just so you know.
MIKE: There’s not much to say here that you don’t already know. The only thing to mention is that Dean Henderson has now saved two penalties this season already. It’s very likely he’ll face one here, given City’s propensity to terrorise defences. Perhaps Forest’s plan is to simply chop down any player who enters their box, and by the end of the match, everyone will have been sent off except Henderson himself, stopping shot after shot after shot. It’s worth a go; he’s their form player by a long way. But maybe wait until next week if you’re thinking of getting him.
West Ham United vs Tottenham Hotspur
PAUL: David Moyes has finally got some points and will no doubt be expecting a knighthood for his endeavours. Buy Fornals, Lanzini, Benrahma, Bowen and now Cornet; but expect Kurt Zouma to get a hat trick the week you do. It’s not you, it’s them. Emerson could be a shout for such a measly £4.0m though, but no doubt Moyes will play him for fifty nine minutes of every match. He’s just like that.
After all the dibbling and dabbling, and hours of confusion over Spurs’ assets for the season, it seems Kane (and maybe a defender) is all you really need. Glad to have solved that problem for you.
MIKE: Another week, another poor points haul for Son. We used to get on so well; how has it come to this? I will continue to wait, because as painful as this is, I don’t think ever I’d recover if he scored a hat-trick the week after I sold him. I’m doing so badly this season that I don’t even care about winning anything any more. Moral victories are now the only victories I can hope to achieve.
Liverpool vs Newcastle United
PAUL: I didn’t have Arnold, but if I had I probably would have sold him last week, but I didn’t so I can just laugh at other’s misfortune. Mine will be coming round soon enough and you’re welcome to repay the mockery. The fact Salah got nothing is just further proof that fantasy football is a stupid game for masochists, but hey; maybe next week is your week.
Newcastle continue to bubble along nicely and can only get better the longer things go on. Will Isak be a hit? Not a clue, but I’ll be watching closely to find out.
MIKE: I refuse to regret getting rid of Trent Alexander-Arnold and replacing him with Trippier. I’m playing the long game, you see. The very, very long game. A bit like a game of Monopoly. One in which I’m having to desperately pawn off all my hotels and I’m left with one station and a twenty-quid house on Old Kent Road, while my self-made empire crumbles to dust around my feet, to the tune of mocking laughter from everyone around me. That kind of long game.
Leicester City vs Manchester United
PAUL: Harvey Barnes and James Maddison continue to take turns mocking my endless dance with the pair and their form. Maybe once Sam Allardyce has taken charge I’ll reconsider things.
Many people were upset with Manchester United’s result against Southampton, but as a fan I felt it was the kind of understated win we’ve been unable to produce for a long while. Rubbish news for people who put faith in their attack but there are a lot of cheap defenders in the squad just waiting to be exploited; and with Casimiro sat in front of them, now may be the time to tell them about your Nigerian uncle who just won the lottery.
MIKE: The tone was set for my Wildcard on Friday when it became apparent that Martial wasn’t going to be fit for the weekend. There could be no clearer sign that this season is doomed to failure. It was supposed to be the weekend that kick-started my season, but what I thought were the blinking rays of a new dawn turned out to be the glare of the headlights as another articulated lorry came hurtling towards me. If you drive past my crumpled body by the side of the road, spare a thought for a man who has rolled the dice too many times, and no longer even knows what number he wants them to land on. Take a look at that decrepit fool in your rear-view mirror, and promise yourself it won’t become you.
That’s it. Our bit is done. Now you just have to turn all that bitterness and cynicism into something useful. And you’ve got about ten minutes to decide. The clock’s ticking. Why are you still wasting your time reading this? It’s only a concluding paragraph. Seriously. Your team needs you.
Need Another Wildcard 