By Paul Vayro and Mike Kewley
Hello and welcome to game week six. The giddiness of early season has already turned into a rescue mission. A hole we should stop digging. A drum with a torn skin that we just keep slapping because we have no idea what else to do. Or it’s going magnificently, in which case this is not the article for you, but you’re welcome to read on in smug delight at our misfortune. Right then, let’s get on with our in depth analysis of what’s going wrong, only to ignore it completely and make things even worse.
Everton vs Liverpool
PAUL: Derbies are funny things, and this one could be hilarious unless you’re an Everton fan. I regularly dismiss Lampard and his concerned stare over action, but anything can happen in football when the passions are so high. They might even get a draw. Anthony Gordon is adding consistency to his talent. What a goldmine he could be.
I’ve also been dismissing Liverpool, but that’s more out of bitter hope that reality. Salah continues to get ten points every match, so as appealing as it may be to cash in on him, who else pretty much guarantees you such a regular return? Don’t answer that question (if you have one). I’m happy in my ignorance.
MIKE: I sold Trent and he’s never coming back. Like rising electricity bills, climate change and the rise of the Kardashian family, that is something I have to accept. I’m not selling Salah though, not even if he is somehow accidentally blasted into space for several years, in a bizarre mix-up during a team bonding trip to NASA HQ. I have no advice to offer about this game, to be honest. Which I think is similar to the team talk Lampard will give before kick-off.
Brentford vs Leeds United
PAUL: Since owning Ivan Toney he’s hit the bar three times and given me nothing but points for being alive. He might be gone from my team by tonight, and it doesn’t make feel even the slightest tinge of sadness.
Jack Harrison has followed Toney’s lead and stopped being brilliant now he’s in my line up. And Jesse Marsch still makes me want to pour hot tar over him every time he speaks. It’s a lose-lose, which stopped being a surprise many years ago.
MIKE: Toney has one more week and then he’s gone. Brentford are beginning to annoy me a little bit actually, much like every other club in the league. I’m not even fully sure why.
As for Leeds, I almost brought Brenden Aaronson into my midfield, but didn’t, and am fully expecting to rue that decision very soon. At least I didn’t cave and hop aboard the Rodrigo bandwagon, and can now point and laugh as I drive past, even if my laughter is hollow, bitter and entirely unfounded.
Chelsea vs West Ham United
PAUL: I know exactly what Raheem Sterling’s doing and it’s not going to work. I will not let him watch me rearrange my whole team to get him in so he can stop doing anything until I sell him again. I just won’t. Nope. Maybe if he scores again this week. I’m guessing everyone’s got Fofana. I’ll be over here with Cucarella. Watching him dribble, or something. Whatever West Ham want they’re welcome to it, but I’m not getting involved.
MIKE: I’m still not entirely convinced by Chelsea, and I don’t think I ever will be. Part of me believes that Tuchel has been bodysnatched and replaced with an imposter, one who like to perform impressions of the Shaky-Hand Man from Banzai with Antonio Conte, and who has abandoned the tactical nous of last season completely. They should comfortably beat a stuttering West Ham, so maybe I’ll start looking at their players next week if they do.
Newcastle United vs Crystal Palace
PAUL: Eddie Howe continues to work his tepid magic, but was Alexander Isak’s goal a fluke or a gift? Based on his previous numbers it would suggest a fluke, but he was so composed it looked like a big, red box I just want to shake until the surprise puppy inside it has a haemorrhage. I’m so conflicted about everything right now.
My Wilfried Zaha punt has been the only thing keeping me afloat, but like Jack in Titanic, I wonder if the raft is growing too full to hold us all and will soon start to sink? Like I said, I’m so confused right now.
MIKE: My double signing of Keiran Trippier and Allan Saint-Maximin last week has proved to be an unmitigated disaster, and the latter has already been shown the door. What’s interesting is that Ivan Toney could become Alexander Isak so easily. Rest assured, if he scores again here, Isak will fall victim to the dreaded 0.1m price rise straight away, so maybe get him now if you’re toying with the idea.
Crystal Palace? Not a clue. To be honest, I was hoping you wouldn’t ask. Although I do have half an eye on Cheick Doucoure, which he no doubt finds incredibly unsettling.
Nottingham Forest vs Bournemouth
PAUL: Dean Henderson and Neco Williams are all you need to know, but you already do, so why am I wasting your time?
Feel free to tell me something good about Bournemouth because I can’t see it. Anywhere.
MIKE: I’m beginning to suspect that Nottingham Forest have no interest in football whatsoever, and are not signing players, but are in fact building an army, in preparation to march on London and overthrow the government any day now. Good luck to them.
I actually fancy Bournemouth to come out fighting and win this, although I have nothing but gut instinct to back that prediction up. Yet I maintain that Lloyd Kelly is a good £4.5m defender to have knocking about in your squad. I don’t have him. Take from this paragraph what you will.
Tottenham Hotspur vs Fulham
PAUL: I’m sticking to my ‘Harry Kane is all you Need’ mantra, once I’ve registered it with Mantra.com.
I honestly don’t know why Mitrovic isn’t in my team. I need to launch a full inquiry, immediately.
MIKE: So this week I’ve decided I’m captaining Son. I don’t know if it’s my way of fighting back against the world and its cruelty, or if I genuinely believe this is the week he’ll get going. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets dropped, in which case I can’t be held responsible for my actions.
Another week, another decent points haul for Andreas Pereira on my bench. He must be wondering what he has to do. He’ll be ecstatic to learn that he has been promoted this week, from third bench slot to the giddy heights of first substitute. What a time to be alive.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Southampton
PAUL: Wolves keep ticking along with clean sheets. If that’s your thing then maybe you should have a look. Don’t be tempted by anything below their defenders though. Lage feeds on the tears of the disappointed. He’s actually three hundred years old, but the pain of others keeps him fresh and youthful looking.
I so want to tell you something good about Southampton but I’d just be making it up. I cast an occasional glance the way of Adam Armstrong before slamming the laptop shut in embarrassment, declaring I was watching porn to anybody who may have seen me. The weird kind. With household implements and jagged things.
MIKE: I have nothing to say about this match that I haven’t already said several times this season, so here’s a link to a recipe for a nice cottage pie: https://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/cottage-pie
Aston Villa vs Manchester City
PAUL: Once Gerrard’s gone I’ll start to consider Villa again, but for now there’s a war in that club and it doesn’t scream fantasy points whilst it continues.
Goal Robot Haaland will show no mercy, given the opportunity. The only chance Villa have is if they’ve been sent a defender from the future. One equipped with a ray gun that swaps your arms for your legs, restricting the Norwegian monster to just six goals.
MIKE: I can’t even use Haaland properly, having not yet captained him once this season. I’m terrified that as soon as I do, Pep will bench him, which could feasibly happen here. Such is his form, however, you wouldn’t be surprised to see him somehow get on the scoresheet anyway. I refuse to get any more of their players, although it would seem Ruben Dias is back in the fold. I knew it was a trick.
Brighton Hove Albion vs Leicester City
PAUL: I still can’t work out how to profit consistently from Brighton so I just admire them from afar and hope they’re happy.
The only thing I’ve had to say about Leicester is wait until Fofana leaves for Chelsea. And now he has. So that’s the end of my words.
MIKE: Pascal Gross could be a good outside bet for a differential captain this week, and I might yet give him the armband myself. Leicester, on the other hand, are to be avoided; they seem to be deconstructing their team piece by piece, while Brendan Rodgers watches on with the helpless, glassy-eyed look of a man who has come home early from work to find Dave the plumber paying his wife a visit, and he isn’t here for that dodgy pilot light on the boiler.
Manchester United vs Arsenal
PAUL: At the time of writing, United are yet to play, and Rashford’s performance will dictate whether or not he becomes Antony before the weekend. I expect little from my team these days, so won’t be heartbroken as I no doubt also sell the Brazilian the first chance I get.
I’m starting to suspect Zinchenko will be a week from fitness until Christmas, at which point I’ll sell him and he’ll come back and get a hat trick. I’m still not buying Jesus, and you can’t make me. Fabio Vieira remains a mystery, which in my mind makes him a must have. The reasons behind the disastrous run I’m on become clearer and clearer every time I type.
MIKE: At my personal time of writing, United have played, and I can confirm that we’re none the wiser about anything. I’m sticking with Jesus and I’ve even added Gabriel Martinelli to the mix – I’m pinning my hopes on him to turn my season around, single-handed. Not that I like to put unwarranted pressure on anyone. Maybe I’ll even captain him. I’ve benched Ben White though, because I fancy United to score, so no-doubt he will bag himself a hat-trick and set up another ten.
We’ve run out of matches to pour scorn over, but feel free to come back next week when all of our predictions will have gone up in smoke, and we can fill your minds with more obvious errors just waiting to unfold.
Need Another Wildcard 