By Paul Vayro and Mike Kewley
Hello and welcome to Gameweek Four! Three weeks of insipid results have proved too much for us both, and our wildcards have been activated; which means not only do we have to regret the poor performance of everybody in our teams, but also everybody we let go as they finally find their form. Not that we care. It’s only a game. We play for the pure joy not the winning etc, etc, etc. Right then, let’s get on with making this the best weekend of our lives! By spending it in a cabin in the wilderness with no wi-fi.
Southampton vs Manchester United
PAUL: Southampton are the kind of team your mum warns you about and insists you stay away from, but you just can’t help sneaking out late at night for a quick cuddle at the bus stop. Listen to your mum. You’ll only end up crying on her shoulder and she’s got enough going on.
As a Man United fan I can only wonder what I watched on Monday night. They actually tried. And ran. And kicked the opposition. And tackled. And didn’t wander off to the shop halfway through the game and abandon their positions. Even Rashford’s sad shoulders looked chirpy, which inspired my wildcard, a move I will no doubt regret immensely come 1pm on Saturday.
MIKE: Southampton are still Ward-Prowse FC in my eyes, although defender Armel Bella-Kotchap caught the eye with an assist against Leicester. If United can keep Monday night’s momentum going though, you feel the Saints could get turned over.
Before the season kicked off, I had Anthony Martial in my team, only to get rid of him when he picked up a knock. Now he’s back, and he’s in my team again. I still believe he’ll be a key figure in United’s season, although bear in mind; there’s a strong possibility I’m an idiot.
Brentford vs Everton
PAUL: I’ve been dancing round Brentford for a few weeks, but with news of Callum Wilson’s inevitable hamstring problems I’ve jumped straight on the Ivan Toney bandwagon. I just hope I haven’t landed in a puddle of wet paint. Rico Henry always impresses me, but still I’m ignoring him. What is my problem?
Everton remain a lost hope for me, even with what should be a solid centre-back pairing of Conor Coady and James Tarkowski. I’m sure the next manager will get them organised, who should be coming along any minute now.
MIKE: Having tearfully parted ways with Halil Dervisoglu, one of many Wildcard victims this week, I’ve welcomed Ben Mee into the fold. I still think he’s a bargain at £4.6m, and he’s the perfect fantasy football defender, in that it’s easy to see his good games coming. Take this fixture, for example. Everton, unable to defend set pieces (or anything really) may struggle to cope with him as he makes a nuisance out of himself on corners. I can already picture my joy when he leaps like a salmon to head home. Just so long as Dervisoglu doesn’t then come on and bag a hat-trick.
The only appealing thing about Everton from an FPL perspective is Chelsea’s interest in Anthony Gordon. In what world can you spend just £5.5m and get a £60 million striker? Why, in the bloated, detached-from-reality, money-obsessed world of the Premier League, of course.
Brighton & Hove Albion vs Leeds United
PAUL: Still loving Graham Potter and his merry men. Still not invested in any of them. Gross, Trossard and Macallister would be amazing if they were one man, but as they’re not I refuse to get involved in their silly game of pass the points. I continue to watch Danny Welbeck declared fit every week and fear I’m missing out.
I watched Leeds for the first time this season and was very impressed. And then Jesse Marsch started talking and I went right off them again. I’m not falling for Rodrigo, so if you’re reading this, you can stop scoring loads of goals because I won’t be buying you. You’re just making yourself look silly. And a bit needy.
MIKE: As promised last week, Pascal Gross is now in my team. Everything Brighton do goes through him – you wouldn’t be surprised to find him hard at work in a sweatshop, stitching their shirts.
Jesse Marsch seems to be successfully implementing his brand of hi-octane soccerball at Leeds, with the all-American Brenden Aaronson personifying his philosophy. You can tell this is a player Marsch has admired for a long time, which likely means he’s always going to start, and he’s always going to get chances. Plus, he’s £5.5m – what more do you people want?
Chelsea vs Leicester City
PAUL: I said last week you only really need defenders from Chelsea, which they responded to by scoring an average of 0.5pts each. You’re welcome.
I had James Maddison in my team up until the Friday afternoon the season kicked off. I’m not going back to him. I’ve watched enough firework safety films to know you never return to a lit rocket. I like having all my fingers still attached to my hand. I remain dismissive of everybody else in Brendan Rodgers squad, until Fofana leaves.
MIKE: Two teams who have been disappointing up to now – will one of them finally ignite? If they do, you can bet I won’t benefit from them – I’ve not got a single player from either team. We all know the big names; Chilwell, Mount, Sterling, Maddison, Vardy, Castagne. We’re ready when you are, guys.
Liverpool vs Bournemouth
PAUL: United owe at least fifty percent of any credit for their performance on Monday to the Scousers, who have decided they’re sick of being dynamic and forward-thinking and have chosen to be half-arsed and hopeful instead. An ageing midfield, Firmino’s rickety knees, and no Mane to distract defenders from Salah’s runs mean it may be more than a blip, but I’ve always been a dreamer. No doubt Salah will still get ten points in every game, whatever else happens.
Bournemouth are a team. And I have nothing but joy and success to wish upon them. But I have no idea how to get any points out of them.
MIKE: Liverpool have made fantasy football a lot easier for everyone this season, by deciding that Mo Salah is the only player who will really do anything. The pattern seems to be as follows: play badly for around sixty minutes, allow Salah to score a penalty, go home. It works for me, and until Liverpool show some cohesion, I’m not bothering with any of their other players, not even Alexander-Arnold or Robertson. That might all change when Darwin Nunez comes back, but we don’t need to worry about that for a week or two.
The problem with Bournemouth is that all their exciting players aren’t the ones who score the points. The form table tells us that Lloyd Kelly and Jefferson Lerma are the ones to have, yet they hardly shone against Arsenal and it would be sheer folly to put them in before they face the Scousers (not that we don’t have a history of sheer folly here at Need Another Wildcard). Perhaps if they win this fixture, the world will sit up and take notice, until then I’ll just stay quiet and pretend I didn’t tip Dominic Solanke at the start of the season.
Manchester City vs Crystal Palace
PAUL: I’m sure you’ve heard of City and all their players. Do you want me to waste your time repeating what you’ve been told a thousand times before? No. Didn’t think so.
I took a punt on Wilfried Zaha at the start of the season and now I look like a genius; which is why I don’t acknowledge the things I said about Mason Mount. Eze and Olise are cheap ways in to a potentially mesmerising attack, but they do have a bad habit of making you wish you’d spent that little bit extra on Wilf.
MIKE: The fact that Ruben Dias, my rock of 2021/22, didn’t start against Newcastle was the catalyst for my Wildcard. Sure, he came on for Ake and will probably start this week, but it’s too late – my faith in reality has already been shaken and something has to be done. Whether turning Dias into Ben Mee is the right response, well, that remains to be seen. I still don’t own any Palace players and as yet, it hasn’t caused me any sleepless nights.
Arsenal vs Fulham
PAUL: Arsenal are both rampant and buoyant, but I remain without Jesus. I’m not joining in. I’m not asking anybody to follow suit, mainly because I have no arguments to back it up, but sometimes you’ve just got to take a stand. This is definitely not one of those times but I appear to be doing it anyway. Fabio Vieira’s future legend continues to grow in my head, which usually leads to a migraine about three weeks after buying him. I’m ignoring Mitrovic, too. It’s like I don’t understand the point of this whole exercise.
MIKE: It’s almost impossible to go wrong with Arsenal at the minute, as every single one of their players seems to have fantasy points gushing from every orifice. Three weeks in and Gabriel Jesus is one of the few things I’ve got right, up to now, which makes Paul’s refusal to buy him even more baffling/amusing. Fulham are a less enticing proposition, but Andreas Pereira has survived my Wildcard cull, so he must be doing something right.
Aston Villa vs West Ham United
PAUL: After many long years together, me and Lucas Digne have agreed to part ways. We’ll always cherish the good times, and bury the bad in that little part of the brain that grates on you endlessly without ever telling you what it wants. So a perfectly stable, emotional future lies ahead for both of us. I’ve give up on Gerrard and his project, too.
Every year, David Moyes either starts great and then fades away, or starts terribly and then rises like a Phoenix made from pipe cleaners and greasy spittle. It always masks what is ultimately mediocrity. Wait until the good part of the season kicks in before spending a penny.
MIKE: I’m struggling to muster up much to say about this match, although Ollie Watkins is chugging away nicely, with a goal and two assists in his last two games. Villa’s overall form puts you off taking even their best assets seriously, however.
Remarkably, after three matches, not a single player from West Ham has managed more than six points in total. That’s two points per game maximum, which is what they give you for just turning up. I could get that.
Wolverhampton Wanderers vs Newcastle United
PAUL: When I think about Wolves I’m consumed by disappointment. Don’t give them what they want. Ignore them and hopefully they’ll start being nice.
Newcastle continue to get better, but now Callum Wilson’s hamstrings have remembered who owns them and started getting achy, you have to wonder if their attacking form will be maintained? Nick Pope still taunts me, but Ederson gives me cake whenever I ask for it, so I remain torn on who to put between my virtual posts.
MIKE: Wolves’ best assets continue to be at the back, and Jose Sa continues to be their best bet. Meanwhile, I continue to dream of a week when I can write something different about Wolves.
Nick Pope is back in my team and all is right with the world. I’ve even got Kieran Trippier and Allan Saint-Maximin too – I know a bandwagon when I see one. Meanwhile, the fantasy football world holds its breath and waits for the answer to football’s biggest question – without Callum Wilson, will Joelinton step up and score the goals? It could be his time, although it has been said that a Joelinton goal is one of the harbingers of the apocalypse.
Nottingham Forest vs Tottenham Hotspur
PAUL: I can’t shake the feeling Morgan Gibbs-White will be a sensation. I may have to put him in my team just to prove I’m wrong.
Spurs are thriving, in the same way a fridge does. There’s a constant hum and all the parts are doing what they’re supposed to, so best just to leave it be. You probably only need Harry Kane and one of their fourteen full backs though.
MIKE: Jesse Lingard is another Wildcard casualty, which I could very well come to regret, while Son has managed to stick around, mainly due to the relatively kind nature of Spurs’ upcoming fixtures. It would be silly to say that one game will decide whether or not my Wildcard has been a success or a failure, but this is fantasy football, so of course that’s how I’ll choose to look at it.
Okay then. Your penance is served and you can return to the normal Fantasy Footballing world of statistics, spreadsheets and well-informed advice. We’ll be here, waiting with open arms for when you realise reality just makes people sad.
Need Another Wildcard 